Home is where the heart is

The old heart is not what it used to be. I was informed recently that it has suffered an inferior infarct, unbeknownst to me. In short, i had suffered a silent heart attack.

If the home is where the heart is, then my homefront situation is similarly distressed.  Home should be a place where one can be free, and speak openly without fear or favour, and to find understanding if not acceptance amongst family members. I, for one, have always spoken my mind, freely. With parents, siblings, in-laws and also the younger generation. I mean no malice, just a mature exchange of thoughts. But when this most fundamental tenet is perverted, when words spoken are twisted, the home is no longer a happy place.
In my case, an exchange on contributory factors towards a brighter future for our children on WhatsApp (mistake: this is one of the worst platforms to exchange views) had been misconstrued as a tiff. It then got personal, even physical as one sibling twisted the words of a parent to attack another.

It has made my parents extremely sad but in a way, all of us are at fault. To start with, siblings should never fight over something as small as differing opinions. But then, we are all brought up to be winners, on matters big and small. On the one hand, we fear losing. When we do suffer setbacks as everyone inevitably does, some of us have even learnt to hide these failures and I know of a few bad events that have not been told to our parents because we fear disappointing them and falling out of their favour. On the other hand, achievements are proudly celebrated and more is always expected. Unsurprisingly, some of us even crave the affirmation and rewards that accompany such accomplishments. So, in raising ambitious, competitive children, it is to be expected that these children will one day stumble into one another and then train their winning mentalities against each other.

I have said that for every good thing, there is a bad seed. Conversely, a good seed can be found in every bad thing. This was made most clear in the Malaysian general elections last year. This campaign meme captured it well.


Photo credit: Forum Lowyat

Still, this cycle (within one generation) need not be inevitable. Competitive kids can argue, even fight but this must be within limits. There are three levels. Three P’s: personal, physical, parental.

One, it should not get personal. Admittedly, this is very hard to do, i would say even nearly impossible as the histories of each others and our families are inevitably going to be part of the ammunition in any argument.

Secondly, it should not get physical. This should be easier to ensure. In discussions and debates, we use words. And when things get heated, it is often unavoidable and regrettable that offensive words are used but we need not resort to physical moves. A line must be drawn at self control and restrain, though for some, even this line is crossed.

Finally, it should not get “parental”. This, in my mind, is the ultimate red line. In a fight between two siblings, there is only one force that can possibly still unite them. And this is the parents. The parents are the only thing that is shared, indisputably and lovingly still, one hopes, for the siblings. However,  when a sibling invokes (or twist the words of a) parent to spite another sibling, this is truly breaching all limits of decency.

In the recent case, all three lines were crossed. It is madness that it deteriorated to this stage. It will not be easy to recover from this. Not impossible, though. However, it will take magnanimity and not small mindedness of all involved, including the grandparents, parents, spouses and children. Let’s hope.

PS: I have withdrawn from the WhatsApp group, on grounds that it is a patently unsuitable forum for such matters