the incompleteness of Kipling's IF

My dearest J,

While there is much joy in kuku's dining room (led none other by nei nei, and happily accompanied by tata, ah kong, ah ma, the H's and of course mom and dad), I needed to steal away for a moment because I wanted some time alone (with you on my mind).

Years ago, when I dedicated Rudyard Kipling's If to you as you approached adulthood, I thought it contained all the advice about becoming a man. Today, it dawned on me that his poem is incomplete. He had overlooked one important dimension. 

The meaning of man, as God has put it, is to find his better half. God Himself will put the two together which no one else shall put asunder. 

And on this day, 27-12-23, you have indeed taken that all important step to be a full man.

I am so happy for you and for N. My most fervent wish (and mom's too) is that your two halves balance and complete each other so that you will want for nothing more as together you are in equilibrium: purposeful and content.

Love you lots, dad

PS: you may of course share this note with N. I am so happy for the both of you.

Note to younger self

It’s not uncommon practice to do this especially at momentous junctures in one’s life. In my case, I will soon have completed my 55th year on earth. 55 in Malaysia and Singapore is a significant age because it’s an official retirement age (although it’s now been extended). It’s also the age when one can withdraw provident funds (yay!). Lots of government policies are also tied to attaining this age including being recognised eligible for priority as a senior citizen.

In Malaysia, we are called “Warga Emas” in Malay. I like the phrase because it translates to Golden Citizen. Yes, one may be old but with that come experiences as valuable as gold. 

It’s a little in this spirit that I started to get more serious with my book “Our Story” and have now put down a 10 page overview. I must give credit to M who having heard me talk about this for years, took a real interest and even offered to help me with research. 

In “Our Story”, I reflect on not just my youth but also that of parents and grandparents. My 10th page now is about the time I started working back in the 90s, which is exactly the age that my two kids are now at. 

This letter is a tangential detour from drafting the outline of my book. It’s a thoughtful pause to consider two questions:

If I knew then, what I know now, what would I have done differently? 

What would I have done more of?

The second question is easy. Marry the right person. In my case, I truly lucked out. D is right for me not because we see eye to eye in everything (we actually don’t, as you both know) but rather because she balances me. 

In temperament, she is cool headed to my quick temper. She is good in executing and I am good in envisioning. She is great at managing the home while I am not. She provides unquestioning support for me to go all out in my pursuits and even encouraged me to connect with my family and friends more (which I haven’t). 

She did all these without ever complaining. She could have easily said I want to also be a high flying career woman or even I would like you to be home a bit more (because I miss you or because I want you to share the housework burden). She didn’t even say any of that. She was steadfast being my perfect support. Paraphrasing a well known saying goes: behind every great person, there is a greater life partner. In my case, your mom is certainly the greater one! 

So, because of that, between the both of us, we become balanced even if individually we are each too much of one thing sometimes. But because together we are balanced, there is equilibrium and there is peace and the family therefore got both: material as well as emotional comforts. And together we could also be helpful to the broader family, friends and even society. Get this fundamental equation right and many good things follow. 

So that will absolutely be the first note to my younger self. After you find the right one that balances you, you can go about doing what you want. 

What do I want? In my case, and I called it out in “Our Story”, it’s to live up to the “Seek and Strive” feature in our DNA. Besides providing for and building a happy family, I wanted to have a successful meaningful career and be a leader who made a difference to the world and left the organisation better than when I found it. I should add that these three objectives came sequentially. My first pursuit in my 20s was simply to get a good job that paid well. 

And that’s where my second lesson is: it’s not all about money. At least not quick money. 

Well, we all know that there is a lot of illegal money to be made quickly. Clearly one wouldn’t touch that. But some high paying jobs that seem attractive now are not worth it once one takes in the larger perspective of how purposeful the company is, does its brand endow a good halo effect on your CV and most importantly what is the culture of the firm: toxic or collegial? 

We need to find a workplace that fits our temperament. Some of us can handle failures well and so can thrive in high risk jobs like trading. Others can handle rejections well and so will do well in bad news businesses like acting or sales. Others can handle anger and are best in customer service jobs.

It’s only after a holistic consideration of these factors can we then seek, strive and switch jobs. The more one is in synch with these factors, the more one will thrive. Absent this, burnout is inevitable (no matter how well paying the job).

Being thoughtful and getting into the right company will bring you not just wealth but fulfilment in leading good people and ultimately doing something purposeful that made a difference to the world.

I was fortunate that I had a strategic mind and a patient soul (honed by my dear wife) and was able to find the right places to work in and even took one step back when I switched jobs in order to leap two steps forward ultimately. 

I took a significant paycut moving from SQ to AC but I learned the ropes of consulting well there and had found a great mentor. I also took a demotion from AC to BC but got a job that really allowed me to grow thereafter. So, I wish you both the same foresight in being able to take the longer view and this enabling you to take the right short term step. 

My third note is this: know that life is a marathon (a good one, by the way) and a not a sprint. 

Despite all these careful steps, life can still throw your curved balls. In the moment, some experiences will seem like you got a bad deal (e.g. my not getting into Oxbridge to do law or my early postings in SEA when my friends went to North Asia or Europe) but truly the dots only connect when looking back. 

In sprints, if you fall, you lose. In a marathon, there is a long road still to cover and the falls may actually put you in a better shape to win. For me, being in NUS got me the no.1 reason why I am here now (indeed, why we all are here) and my postings made me a real hand in the region and it is this region that matters.

Last but not least, I started this letter talking about balance; how my dear wife and love of my life balances me and as a couple you can see how the family has grown well. So when people talk about their work life balance, I try to get them to see it not as a singular moment of equilibrium but a balancing act, played out between two or more people and play out over time. One of my favourite verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. There is a time for everything. Don’t rush to have everything done and balanced at once. That is in fact the worst recipe for balance. 

Get a right partner that complements you. Plan holistically and act strategically. Take your time. And eventually the dots will connect in the most magical way.

I trust these four tips to my young ones will help guide you to a future even better than mine. 

Photo taken in Borobudur, famed for its ancient Buddhist temple, where the pursuit of happiness takes on another level altogether.

A valedictorian speech from the Ranger

Distinguished Guests, Cadres, loved ones and fellow Rangers, good evening. I am RGR J, and on behalf of the SOth Ranger Course would like to share some thoughts on the past GS days. Thank you for taking the time today to commemorate the Ranger Golden Jubilee and to celebrate with us, the graduates of the SOth Ranger Course. 

We would not be here today if not for the unwavering support of our loved ones. As the saying goes, “it is always easier to be the one who leaves”. We have practically disappeared for the past two months save a few precious hours spent at home, gobbling up whatever food we could lay our hands on. On behalf of the course, I extend my deepest apologies for the additional burdens that you have had to carry. Your thoughts, prayers and letters have provided us with immeasurable motivation, to get through everything that stood between us and being reunited with all of you. Please join me in offering a round of applause 1 for all our loved ones present today, and for those who are unable to be with us but have been rooting for us all this while.

No matter who you are or where you are from, Ranger Course is designed to beat you down to your knees. It is a course where all comforts and privileges of rank, age, or unit are stripped away, revealing the most raw version of ourselves. It is a gritty and gutsy marathon that aims to unearth the true character of a soldier through imposing intense physical and mental stressors replicating those of actual combat. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the result of all this is to paint a picture of who a Ranger is and should be. A Ranger and their word is not to be taken lightly, for they are a force to be reckoned with. How a Ranger does something is how they do everything, and they will obsess over the smallest detail to ensure mission success. You do not need to ask a Ranger to do anything, for they are already prepared to do it, you simply command them and they will execute. A Ranger stands ready and volunteers for more than their share of the hardest tasks, delivers them, and then some. It is my distinct and proudest honour to share that such a Ranger is indeed present in this auditorium here tonight. He has been the beating heart and long-suffering soul of the course, who has lent every last decibel of his voice and every waking moment to supporting those on his left and right. Without hesitation, he has been the beast of burden and the spearhead of every team he finds himself in, never questioning and never failing to be the first to work and last to rest. He is a Ranger who has given his all, and one who may squarely claim that he would lay down his life for his friends, a true brother’s keeper. In my humble opinion, he represents the true spirit and does justice to the legacy of who a Ranger has been, is, and shall be, for a long time to come. He is 2 the Ranger among Rangers, the people’s champion, RGR THJ.

If I could, I would share a testimony for every Ranger seated here tonight. I am honoured to accept this award today, but I’d like to believe that I’m accepting it on behalf of all the Rangers of the SOth Ranger Course, for every Ranger has done more than his or her fair share to deserve commendation. I would not be standing here in one piece today without the relentless support of my Ranger buddies, and I will forever be thankful for the brotherhood we have forged together. Personal Takeaways In closing, my personal takeaways from the course may be summarised in 3 points, which is probably 2 more than what Rangers can remember most of the time. 

First, persistence is nothing more than insistence, to believe that little bit more in yourself, to demand one more step and another after that, till the job is done. Give yourself the chance to surprise yourself, for the limits we place on ourselves are but a fraction of our true potential. 

Second, the strongest teams are not decided by the size of their muscles, but by the depth of their patience. Patience, not strength nor aggression, is what allows teams to support each other through the toughest times. Patience creates the half-second pause needed for an argument to become a conversation and for the conversation to spur improvement and for that improvement to lead to success. 

Finally, loud leadership may move a team, but quiet leadership moves hearts. One might imagine an inspirational commander charging ahead on a battlefield towards the enemy, and indeed that is an undeniable moment of leadership. Yet, 99% of our time as Rangers is spent first 3 preparing for battle, getting onto the objective and then getting every last Ranger out. That is when Rangers earn their stripes. That is when the smallest acts of kindness: sharing your last packet of biscuits in spite of your growling stomach or taking over the shift of another sleepy Ranger in spite of your own eyelids closing fast. By simply being there to listen, empathise and help, you are taking away some of their pain, a superpower in and of itself.

I would like to extend my appreciation to CTI, SFLS, the Ranger Cadres, CSS, and all who have supported Ranger Course in one way or another. We will work to repay our debt of gratitude, and pay it forward for future batches of Rangers to come. 

Thank you all, again, for joining us tonight to celebrate the Ranger Jubilee and welcoming new Rangers into the fold. Rangers, it has been an honour to suffer, smile, and fight alongside each and every one of you. I can truly testify how daring initiative, though occasionally risky, was combined with absolutely sheer will to get the job done. With this combination, nothing will ever stand in our way. Rangers can and will complete the mission, when no one else can, on our honour as soldiers and for the glory of our nation. Rangers, wherever it is that you may go, carry with you the indomitable and relentless Ranger spirit, and know that somewhere out there, you have a batch of Rangers who stand ready to fight alongside you whenever called upon. Be bold, be brave, be gallant, and as always, RANGER LEADS THE WAY! (ALL THE WAY)

Letter to a Ranger 2

Writing this on board SQ108. Yet another flight - this time a day trip to KL. I had two meetings to attend there. Then, I had to make it to the airport during the rush hour jam to catch a flight back to Singapore for two board meetings the next day. I went back to KL again on Friday for another meeting and from KL, I flew to Jakarta to connect to Semarang for the ASEAN Economic Minister meeting taking place over the weekend there. The UK Minister for Trade will also be there and wants to meet on Sunday so I will get back home on late on Sunday.

Though I had to take 7 flights in those 5 days, I must say that what I had to go through is nothing compared to what you are doing now. I started my last letter stating that you inspire me and indeed this is one example.

By the time you receive this letter, you would have completed more than 20% of your course. You would know the Pareto Principle. The right 20% can deliver the bulk of the results. No doubt you have already learned much from all that has happened in the past two weeks. I looked up what the Ranger Course entails and saw a handful of videos showing the various exercises you have to do: in the water, on land and in the air. I don’t know exactly when these activities are held but I keep you tangibly with me constantly by wearing your watches on my wrist throughout the days and nights. See the Laco Pilot watch on the way to KL and the Tudor Diver in Semarang.

Indeed, we are all counting the days here, being with you in spirit all the way. Mom prays every day for your safety and well-being. Unlike the watches above, I have no pictures of a moment so you would have to imagine it, Josh, and may that scene be stored in your memory sweetly: on Thursday night, mom and me were sitting in front of the TV and though some program was playing, we were not watching it. Instead we were both thinking about you, silently holding hands together, wishing you well and then we both remarked simultaneously of how grateful we are to have such a wonderful son in you.

Speaking of memories, I recall a moment we had at a father-son dinner when you were about 10 years old. I think you may remember that too. I was travelling a lot (then as I still do) and so to be able to just sit and talk with you over dinner was indeed a really precious moment. And you made it all the more special when you made a comment well beyond your years. You told me that you liked the way I parent. How I think many years ahead, paint a vision of what could be and inspire you to go there. I assure you no 10 year olds can think like my son. And you also know that very few 20-something have gone through as much as you to lay the foundation for a fantastic future.

Between KL and Jakarta, I spent the night in Malacca. Its only for a mere nine hours but again inspired by our father-son moment, I wanted to spend the night with my father and mother. Naturally, you were the main topic of conversation and I showed them the youtube videos of the Ranger Course. They are obviously in awe of what you are doing now. And back in our bedroom in Cheng, there is a sketch of you on the wall. Its off a photo of you playing in the sand on a beach in Sri Lanka. I had asked the artist to title the sketch “SSPP”.

I meant then for the acronym to mean Super Son, Perfect Prince. Coz even then, as an eight year old, you were super and perfect to me. I don’t know why I didn’t get the artist to write the title in full then. Now, I know why: unbeknownst to me, I must have been directed by forces higher to me to label it in shorthand because as it is clear now, you were meant to go on and to do more than just being super and perfect.

In the 18 years since that photo was taken, your life story has you so far growing in Singapore, USA and UK. You are the top Scout, Scholar, Soldier, Soulmate to your Partner, Parents, Platoon and Planet.

Maybe when you can connect again with your devices, you can now update your social media accounts to read “SSPP”. We all know that social media can be a soul sucking void of meaningless affirmation especially when the envy becomes the primary perspective with which one views the messages there. But used right it can also be a channel to let our loved ones know what are the moments worth capturing and retained in the account for posterity and for all to see. In your case, there is so much more superlatives and perfection to come and the challenges you go through now will only make those times all the sweeter.

At the ASEAN Economic Ministers Meeting, there was much talk about how we are the few remaining growth hot spot in the world. With a population of over 600 million people across 10 countries, we are larger than Europe and our economy may soon be larger than the EU’s. ASEAN could be the 4^th largest economy in the world, after China, US and India by the middle of the 21^st century. Little wonder then that the citizens of this region are also amongst the most optimistic in the world. They all can see a better future ahead. Singapore is going to be in the middle of all these development, not just geographically but also economically. The country and the region will need its men and women to seize the moment. Maybe some of the future S’s and P’s that you will go on to experience will be to help lead the way just as our past leaders did when winning our independence and growing the nation for its new citizens.

We can only imagine the future end-state but the path is not visible. We only know it will not be linear but through twists and turns, it will lead to the destination. The Ranger Course, in my mind, is a microcosm of that. You know what the activities are. You know when the end date is. You cannot however fathom exactly how you and your mates will do on each program. One thing is clear though, that if you hold on together, you will make it to the end. Beyond the badge, the knowledge that you have been on this journey is enough to assure your future self that you have it in you to take on bigger challenges, whether at the Social or Societal stage, whether in the Private or Public sector.

Right now, the challenge is to be a Ranger. I am here rooting for you all the way!

Letter to a Ranger 1

More than half the year has passed and this is my first post on this blog for the year and what a meaningful way to get going. It's a letter to my son, who has just started the challenging Ranger Course

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been writing to you (and you to me) for two decades now. Over the years, the exchanges have become more infrequent as we both got busier. So, the opportunity to share deeper thoughts – those that are more considered rather than hurried spontaneous exchanges over meal times – are rarer now. Funnily enough, it’s with my younger colleagues (some of whom are your age) that I share my thoughts about life with.

At this juncture, in the midst of your Ranger Course, I wanted to pen some words so that you will be able to read what I really think of you and all the love and unceasing support I have for you.

Before I start, I want to state upfront that you have inspired me. In fact, some of the advice that I dispense to my team are directly motivated from observing how you lead your life. That is also why I wanted you to appear in my corporate video. In a way, the messages below are a co-mingling of our thoughts and deed, which I have summarized coherently into a high five of life!

So, here goes…

1                    Adversity maketh the man

Life is full of ups and downs. It’s inevitable. I had mine relatively early: after a spectacular first 17 years (troop leader, top student, ASEAN scholar), I fell. As you know, I didn’t ace my A-levels, didn’t get into the course nor university of my dreams (which you instead have fulfilled for me, thank you!). I did find the love of my life though in NUS (now, that is a real high!). After I had graduated (by the skin of my teeth) and started working and earning money, there were more hardships to follow – office politics, naïve upward management, unexciting station postings, bad investments and even outright carelessness with money. However, these hardships shaped me. “Adversity maketh the man”, as the saying goes. In my case, these trails are necessary to make me stronger for I might have remained naïve, playful and irresponsible.

You know my life story. In the case of your grandparents and helper, they all faced up to our disadvantages in their lives and used it as a foundation to shape their futures. As you know, they were either too poor, too uneducated, too small or simply just born in the wrong place. In my case, when I hit rock bottom, I realise that there is in fact more solid a foundation to bounce up from. You too have been tested these past few years and I am proud to see you moving on. Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. Bad times will pass and if one has not given up, you’ll have something that will serve you well your entire life: not just crossing the finish line but the ability to overcome hardship. And by the time you read this letter, you are well into the Ranger course and the high of the finishing line is getting ever closer. In fact, it’s the lows sometimes that really make the highs all the sweeter.

2                    Don’t settle for a life less than the one you are capable of

There is poster of Nelson Mandela’s sayings on your bedroom wall. The first line reads, “There is no passion to be found playing small; in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living”. He might as well had been describing you, Josh, because that is indeed how you have led your life.

What Mandela didn’t say, though, that the big life is not usually immediately visible or available. Some people think they know what they want to do in life, while others are still searching. Some think they have made the right choices but then find out it’s not their preferred cup of tea. The way ahead if not being afraid to keep trying things until you find something that really gels with you. Again, like my first tip, you already live this principle. You are already thinking ahead, while fulfilling your current obligations.

It took me three jobs and I was well into my thirties before I found one that suited me. You might have to try a few jobs you don’t like and it might be hard for a while, but never settle.

And it is not just jobs; this also applies to our social network. Contrary to what many think, career success isn’t just about qualifications and skills. Your ability to build quality relationships - talking to and caring for people - is far more important. You have already shown you know that by organising the barbecue for your mates before the course started. And I see how they are all there for you and for one another. The brotherhood I saw at the morning sending you off really touched me. I have not ever been in a company (in all my 33 years of working) of colleagues that will wake up at 4am on a Sunday to wish me well on a Sunday morning. Don’t settle for working with those who will betray you. We only get one life, don’t spend it doing something you don’t like.

There is one exception to this rule: and that’s with your life partner. Once you find the right soul-mate: someone you can share your hopes and fears with, who understands you and will support you (and also not afraid to disagree with you to get her points across), then really settle down and work on making the relationship. You are so blessed to have found her and we love her very much too. The both of you have such a beautiful journey ahead too. We will all make sure of that.

3                    Your attitude is the winning trait

Speaking of not settling, I know quite a few people that was unsure about their purpose in life. Some of them didn’t even get to university and many went from job to job. Despite this, they ended up extremely successful. The common factor was a great attitude and work ethic.

I am sure you have come across people who are always bitching about how they aren’t getting anywhere or that no one listens to them. When he was imprisoned for 27 years, Mandela could have given in to all sorts of demons but he didn’t because “resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies”. Quite an apt phrase considering you are now training to outwit and outlast the enemies.

On the other hand, I am sure you know people who seem to be so purposefully driven – not just for material success, but also to work for societal well-being or even to bring about planetary impact. It’s clear where each group will end up. And that’s what you are doing right now in Ranger Course: to show up and do the best you can every day. It’s not important that you are the best. No one is the best at everything. What’s important is that you do your best. That attitude will surely advance you even if you go on to other vocations because someone like you will pick up valuable experience and insight along the way whereas others merely pick up a paycheck and more cynicism, never becoming more valuable in the process.

4                    Acquire experiences and learn from them

Experiences are what make life worth living, not material things! I know it may sound ironic coming from me, but I mean it sincerely. At the end of the day, one defines oneself more meaningfully based on experiences rather than possessions. So, if you have things you want to do or try, get out and do them! If you want to be in the Ranger Course, go and do it! Wait, you already are 😊! Don’t let other people tell you it’s unreasonable. The fact that you are now in the course already sets your soldiering experience apart from others. You are already in the elite forces and now you will be the toughest amongst the elites. Well before you are 30, you have been all over the world, stayed in a Japanese household, attended a global imagination festival, got a scuba diving licence, led a scout troop with distinction, earned a bachelor’s and master’s degree, served in the military, and so much more that I cannot remember off the top of my head. This is way more than what I had accomplished by the time I was 30.

In fact, I celebrate the fact that you do make it a point to go chase experiences and have scaled mountains in four corners of Earth. I have said on many occasions that you have already topped your old dad and I would only urge you to keep going. Life experiences are the world’s best teachers.

You might recall the personal statements for college admission you wrote seven years ago now and in one of them you talked about how you had tried to bend nature to your will and learned that it is better to understand what and how mother earth provides and learn to fit into her ecosystem. There is so much wisdom in that young person that wrote that essay. And you have accumulated more since. I should add that while it is wise to learn from experience, it is wiser still to learn from experiences of others, because you multiply your points of learning. No expensive item is worth anything close to those experiences. These are the real treasures.

5                    The courage to go on a hero’s journey (for we are with you)

This last high five tip is particularly modelled from observing you, my son, grow up into a hero  rather than from my own life experience. I say this with real pride in my heart. It is why you are in the book about notable scout citizens. Its why your name graces the wall of fame in RI.

There will be times, however, when you question if you had taken too big of a leap. You had on the handle of your Instagram account a phrase about courage. In turn, I am reminded of the words of the priest last Sunday when talking about Peter’s faith in stepping onto the stormy water. Peter, already the recognized leader amongst the disciples, and always the most daring among them, showed himself ready to risk drowning in order to prove his trust and confidence in Christ. While he trusted in Christ, all went well, but when his faith weakened he would have been lost were it not for the outstretched helping hand of his master. “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the faith that something else is more important".

So, every time you play big, every step into the formidable unknown, you do so because you know you are aiming for something heroic that is more important than the fears and pains of today. I trust that you will also know deep in your heart that the fear is also mitigated by the fact that you have faith that you can make it. The faith comes from your natural abilities and careful training and from the support and love of all your family nd also the grace of God. We may not have walked in your shoes exactly but you know that we will do all we can to catch your fall or get you new shoes metaphorically speaking should you ever need them. You are on a hero’s journey and we are all so very proud of you.

I conclude this letter with a thought and a picture taken I found in my archive. As I said, even as a young boy you had all these attributes:

·         the leader with the fortitude to overcome adversities,

·         the desire to go for something better,

·         the attitude to do one’s best even if you cannot be the best,

·         the learner gathering life experiences and

·         ultimately, the courage to go on a hero’s journey .

I am merely an observer here and am repeating what I see: a man who is making his own special mark in the world, with dignity, courage and confidence.

Take care, my hero son and all the best for the next phases of the course.

I love you dearly, Dad