It’s not uncommon practice to do this especially at momentous junctures in one’s life. In my case, I will soon have completed my 55th year on earth. 55 in Malaysia and Singapore is a significant age because it’s an official retirement age (although it’s now been extended). It’s also the age when one can withdraw provident funds (yay!). Lots of government policies are also tied to attaining this age including being recognised eligible for priority as a senior citizen.
In Malaysia, we are called “Warga Emas” in Malay. I like the phrase because it translates to Golden Citizen. Yes, one may be old but with that come experiences as valuable as gold.
It’s a little in this spirit that I started to get more serious with my book “Our Story” and have now put down a 10 page overview. I must give credit to M who having heard me talk about this for years, took a real interest and even offered to help me with research.
In “Our Story”, I reflect on not just my youth but also that of parents and grandparents. My 10th page now is about the time I started working back in the 90s, which is exactly the age that my two kids are now at.
This letter is a tangential detour from drafting the outline of my book. It’s a thoughtful pause to consider two questions:
If I knew then, what I know now, what would I have done differently?
What would I have done more of?
The second question is easy. Marry the right person. In my case, I truly lucked out. D is right for me not because we see eye to eye in everything (we actually don’t, as you both know) but rather because she balances me.
In temperament, she is cool headed to my quick temper. She is good in executing and I am good in envisioning. She is great at managing the home while I am not. She provides unquestioning support for me to go all out in my pursuits and even encouraged me to connect with my family and friends more (which I haven’t).
She did all these without ever complaining. She could have easily said I want to also be a high flying career woman or even I would like you to be home a bit more (because I miss you or because I want you to share the housework burden). She didn’t even say any of that. She was steadfast being my perfect support. Paraphrasing a well known saying goes: behind every great person, there is a greater life partner. In my case, your mom is certainly the greater one!
So, because of that, between the both of us, we become balanced even if individually we are each too much of one thing sometimes. But because together we are balanced, there is equilibrium and there is peace and the family therefore got both: material as well as emotional comforts. And together we could also be helpful to the broader family, friends and even society. Get this fundamental equation right and many good things follow.
So that will absolutely be the first note to my younger self. After you find the right one that balances you, you can go about doing what you want.
What do I want? In my case, and I called it out in “Our Story”, it’s to live up to the “Seek and Strive” feature in our DNA. Besides providing for and building a happy family, I wanted to have a successful meaningful career and be a leader who made a difference to the world and left the organisation better than when I found it. I should add that these three objectives came sequentially. My first pursuit in my 20s was simply to get a good job that paid well.
And that’s where my second lesson is: it’s not all about money. At least not quick money.
Well, we all know that there is a lot of illegal money to be made quickly. Clearly one wouldn’t touch that. But some high paying jobs that seem attractive now are not worth it once one takes in the larger perspective of how purposeful the company is, does its brand endow a good halo effect on your CV and most importantly what is the culture of the firm: toxic or collegial?
We need to find a workplace that fits our temperament. Some of us can handle failures well and so can thrive in high risk jobs like trading. Others can handle rejections well and so will do well in bad news businesses like acting or sales. Others can handle anger and are best in customer service jobs.
It’s only after a holistic consideration of these factors can we then seek, strive and switch jobs. The more one is in synch with these factors, the more one will thrive. Absent this, burnout is inevitable (no matter how well paying the job).
Being thoughtful and getting into the right company will bring you not just wealth but fulfilment in leading good people and ultimately doing something purposeful that made a difference to the world.
I was fortunate that I had a strategic mind and a patient soul (honed by my dear wife) and was able to find the right places to work in and even took one step back when I switched jobs in order to leap two steps forward ultimately.
I took a significant paycut moving from SQ to AC but I learned the ropes of consulting well there and had found a great mentor. I also took a demotion from AC to BC but got a job that really allowed me to grow thereafter. So, I wish you both the same foresight in being able to take the longer view and this enabling you to take the right short term step.
My third note is this: know that life is a marathon (a good one, by the way) and a not a sprint.
Despite all these careful steps, life can still throw your curved balls. In the moment, some experiences will seem like you got a bad deal (e.g. my not getting into Oxbridge to do law or my early postings in SEA when my friends went to North Asia or Europe) but truly the dots only connect when looking back.
In sprints, if you fall, you lose. In a marathon, there is a long road still to cover and the falls may actually put you in a better shape to win. For me, being in NUS got me the no.1 reason why I am here now (indeed, why we all are here) and my postings made me a real hand in the region and it is this region that matters.
Last but not least, I started this letter talking about balance; how my dear wife and love of my life balances me and as a couple you can see how the family has grown well. So when people talk about their work life balance, I try to get them to see it not as a singular moment of equilibrium but a balancing act, played out between two or more people and play out over time. One of my favourite verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. There is a time for everything. Don’t rush to have everything done and balanced at once. That is in fact the worst recipe for balance.
Get a right partner that complements you. Plan holistically and act strategically. Take your time. And eventually the dots will connect in the most magical way.
I trust these four tips to my young ones will help guide you to a future even better than mine.
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