Starting Over

These lockdown days have indeed been some strange days. 

Strange days have found us
Strange days have tracked us down

They're going to destroy
Our casual joys

We shall go on playing
Or find a new town

The Doors released this 2 months and 2 days before I was born. And now, more than half a century later, the lyrics make even more sense. 

It’s been 7 weeks of “circuit breaker” here in Singapore, where all four of us are together 24/7, and the days are strange indeed. I, for one, was really pleased to have this time together more than we have ever been before all of our lives. The old maxim that you get quality time only if you spend a good quantity together could perhaps now come true for us.

Then the eternal truth of Jim Morrison’s poetry breaks through. While our casual joys have yet to be destroyed... but there have been moments that came close, especially for me. M shared, as she examined her conscience that she felt strange to see such an imbalance in the dynamic of the family, seeing/feeling that I was not really helping out in other parts of the household, which D attends to. In a separate observation, J (very much a part of this overthinking clan) observed if all I have worked for, including the wealth we have accumulated and the nice house we are now comfortably nested in, are worth the pursuit at all. 

In the background, I have been having issues with colleagues who are either overreacting or in any case misunderstanding my good intents. Still, office politics is par for the course, but observations like M’s and J’s weigh much more, a million times more, on my mind. 

There comes a time when everyone should pause, look back and see what has been accomplished (and not), and move forward. It hurts to get to this point, past my mid century mark, to know that the colleagues in the office that I have given much of my time can be petty and that the family I had spent less time with now are nettled by my lack of share in household chores (formed of a habit of never being home) and then are not appreciating the material fruits of my labour.

This trifecta of “blows” would stop most people in their tracks but I would like to think I am made of sterner stuff. Though I share the birthday of the most famous member of the 27 club, I am not about to throw it all away. 

Bad things, like the good, come in threes. So, with three bad circumstances, I can now move forward and do better. Office politics can be overcome. How M and J feel about the time I have spend the last 20 odd years travelling for work, being an absent dad/husband, and for what has tangibly been material reward, are harder to move from.

On the one hand, D and I are fiercely independent people and we cherish being able to live our weekday lives separately but deep down, we are so together. In the words of one of my favourite authors, De Exupery, “love does not consist of gazing at each other, but at looking outward together in the same direction”. 

So, no, I do not regret being able to build a family in this way. D and I came from lower middle income households and living in countries aspiring to become first world and surrounded by social climbing, 5 Cs chasing cousins, classmates and colleagues, we were swept up in the tides of those times and were fortunate enough to have created better than most. Our fortune were less foretold by the Gods but rather we were lucky (in my case, I had sought luck by moving out here to Singapore) to make our careers in a meritocratic, capitalist democracy. And what did I do in the last 20 years and some: I helped clients become better: more innovative, more efficient. I was good in my work, in fact so good one client called me a “Superstar”, and another said I was a “Special human being” with reference to my Ted talk urging a more holistic measure of the wealth of nations, beyond just GDP. In recent years, I helped governments deliver more impactfully and sustainably to their citizens, and often with less. Was wealth a sought after reward, yes to an extent and past a certain point, the amount I got was often just a barometer of how well I have done towards my objectives.

Maybe that is what they are not understanding and perhaps the maxim is right. Quality time requires quantity and 7 weeks certainly qualifies as quantity time and we have the opportunity at daily lunches and nightly dinners to talk and work this through. 

Another thing that we all get to do (a lot of) is to Netflix. In my case, I also watch YouTube and just watched a VH1 documentary of the last years of John Lennon’s life. After a five year hiatus, as he re-examined his life and connected with what he loved, he and Yoko One came roaring back with one of the greatest music albums of all times, Double Fantasy. The first track is “(Just like) starting over”.

Our life together

Is so precious together

We have grown, we have grown

Although our love still is special

Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere.

The cover of their album is iconic now. Two middle aged lovers in a kiss. The back cover which I only just came across is even better. It showed two strong creative individuals looking out together, in the same direction, at the same destination.

That’s what it feels like for me, at this ripe middle age, to start over.