There's nothing you can't do!

Alicia Keys belted this line about the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There is something about the empire state city that Duke Ellington called the Big Apple, that Sinatra told us that "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere" and Billy Joel even composed a song about its state of mind.

Being here the last week, I must say the city does have a vibe (and a smell :-p ) that is different from anywhere in the world. The residents are a diverse mix never to be seen elsewhere.

It is a hub of money (Wall Street), consumerism (5th avenue/Madison), entertainment (Broadway/Times Square), food (Gramercy Tavern, et al) and of course education (Columbia, most of all).

There are cities which are financial centres (Frankfurt) or education (Oxford) or entertainment (LA) but never all in one place.

The people you meet, even by chance and the conversations you are part of, or even overhear, from different backgrounds/cultures/accents will certainly expand your mind.

In New York, there is always someone bigger, or smaller; someone paler, or darker; someone brighter, or duller; someone louder, or quieter; someone sexier, or plainer; more experienced, or less; each though is a special human in a unique way. And in this cauldron, so are you, my darling. You will add your own your megnificence to this place and in turn this city will add itself to your tapestry of life.

I started writing this as we journey out of the city, first to Corning and then to Niagara Falls. (Powerful as a natural wonder the Niagara Falls is, its a gift that keeps giving because it also produces the most power for New York state, all cleanly!). So, concrete as New York is, there is a world of wonder just at its doorstep. Whether it is from mother nature or from the hands of a glass blower, there are constant reminders what a universe there is to explore and be immersed in here.

I wish you a wonderful time in New York. Your life journey is certainly more expansive, already far more interesting than your old bean's. I am serious when I said I live vicariously through you. I am so happy that you are getting to live all these new and New York experiences. And no doubt these will be memorable (even the less pleasant ones) for it is the wavy throughs and crests of life's vicissitudes that makes it interesting rather than a straight linear point.

And in the twists and turns of this journey in New York, here are the top three lessons I had gleaned from my own to pass on to you:

1. Separate yourself from the experience. You are not defined by one change; you are a whole person with vast and diverse experiences. Yes, life changes can impact you greatly, and, you get to decide what each transition will mean for you. Remind yourself of your wholeness that has been added to.

2.  Celebrate growth. Through each and every change, you are making progress. Isn’t this inspiring?! Pat yourself on the back, call a friend, journal, make a social media post, get yourself a bagle, or find another way to honor your growth.

3.  Reflect on your own unique journey. Pause regularly to notice how far you have come. Perhaps you do this nightly or weekly or after a big challenge. Regardless, slow down to acknowledge the distance you’ve traveled.

In short, a magical mystery tour is ahead. I said this to you as you headed off to Oxford and look how well you toured that! And now in New York, more magic and mystery awaits and no doubt there will be times when things do not go exactly as planned. Unexpected events are inevitable. In fact they are normal and even necessary. For that is what makes it exciting, enthralling and magical! When that happens to me, I name the occurrence, reflect on it and embrace it as a wave in my life's journey and become more prepared to ride the wave should it occur again

At this juncture, Rumi comes to mind and I paraphrase him,"you are not a drop in the universe, you are the whole universe in one drop". Just like the card mom bought for you. Enjoy the whole universe, my darling.

Photo of the wide open roads we rode on here in New York State. Your road ahead is going to be magical

My paternal grandfather

It must have been more than 40 years ago. Imagine a boy who is keen to be somewhere else. Who can hardly converse in the language/dialect of the old man (then in his late 70s). And he has nearly 40 grandkids yet he would ever so often have breakfast with this grandson. 

We would have two dishes: Pork Pau and chicken Nor Mai Kai. They serve it now in the airport lounge here in Singapore. And every week I would partake of it. 

This week, coinciding with the ghost month (the Chinese version of celebrating the dead), I thought of him. I just chatted about him and his life with my parents last week. I thought of him then too. 

He didn't have the easiest life but he raised his family best he could and that extended to looking after me (with food mainly - from local breakfasts to nourishing exotic foods like ginseng and pig's brains which he would stew lovingly and walk it over in the evenings - mainly for me much to the chagrin of my siblings 😀).

The years were not kind to him. He developed a form of senile dementia and in his case sadly, he could remember the more unpleasant moments of his life and then started imagining shenanigans in the present. 

He lived till a hundred and independently so (by himself at times). He ate moderately (the photo of my breakfast this morning is twice what we would have) and he lived moderately too. A lifetime of frugality ensured that. And more impressively, he remained a man of fierce integrity.

Simple as his life has been, his experiences are worth retelling and I shall - in some way or form. 

For the moment, I'd just remember him fondly and lovingly during this ghost month.

Dream

 I don't think i ever stopped dreaming. Certainly not in the life sense, where i have dreams for my family (i help grow strong wings for the kids while D provides deep roots; or D would say I am strategic and influencing while she is executing and relationship building). Nor at work where I am renowned for the vision thing and retropolating bold moves to reach it.

But this blog about dreams is not about family or work aspirations. Its literally about a dream I had last night. The fact that i remember it is notable enough because i can't recall any other time in the past decade.

So the dream. It goes like this ...

Dreamt I was on a flight and the pilot suddenly gave up. And somehow, though I have no experience, I took over the cockpit and tried to fly the plane. The plane was flying through a city area and as the pilot had left his seat it was descending dangerously close to the high rises. I had to manoeuvre the plane away from the buildings. But given the proximity of the buildings there was no space for me to lift the plane to a higher altitude and it was going to get stuck between the buildings. 

Thankfully there was an incomplete construction and I could just attempt a landing there. Which is what I did and all 100+ passengers were safe. But instead of being celebrated as a hero, I was instead subjected to an investigation by the air safety board. They interrogated me as to why I would pilot a plane with so many lives on board when I didn’t know how to fly the plane.

I couldn’t explain it nor could I explain how I was able to fly so well and did so without any communications with the air traffic control. It was all on instinct and from the heart. And I kept telling the investigators is that the plane is safe and the lives are safe. And that’s what matters.

It is the strangest dream and you know I don’t dream or don’t remember my dreams but this was so vivid, it got seared into my memory. 

Truth is it could be a movie i just watched playing in my mind.

Or it could be my 3rd act i am thinking of and the uncertainties thereof, or my health scare (more about that later). And all mixed up with my inner Han Solo piloting the Millenium Falcon or the inner Bruce Lee breaking conventions.

What's your interpretation?

And was it Van Gogh who said "I dream of my painting and then i paint my dream". Maybe I should do that!

Glory Glory Manchester United

Supporting them before they regained their championship mojo, and then through their winnigest years, and finally being a real fan and hoping they get back on top again... i can't help but feel the victory tonight (or this morning my time) may be a turning point.

Goal in the very last minute of the game made by all three substitutes plus CR7. I asked if this the turning point?... until an old friend corrected me to say its A turning point as this lot has flattered to deceive many times. That, however, is the essence of being a fan: you must taste the highs AND the lows. 

Anyways, here's to Glory Glory Man United

Puglia Pontifications

So here I am, snugly seated in a corner of a cafeteria in Bari Central station. We are all waiting for our train to Rome which is scheduled to depart in an hour and will take about 4 hours to navigate the 450+km journey. 

That’s the first thing that caught me by surprise… that even Italy, that I have seen so much of its ruins, have moved into the modern age and its cities are connected by a high speed rail network. My surprise stem from arrogance, or maybe I should say pride of Asia, esp with regards to infrastructure where Asia truly leads the world. On several other dimensions too, I would say that Asia is the world’s benchmark: the economic growth rates, the demographic dividend, the improving governance. And being an Asian who have enjoyed riding this wave, and to a very small extent, also making it, I am naturally happy for my continent and somewhat looking at the past colonial masters with some vindicated satisfaction that we can do it for ourselves. 

Yes, I do pontificate, especially on vacations when work does not occupy my mind. 

Truth be told, this vacation started as work. First in Paris where we had a meeting and then I held my global leadership meeting in Rome, but very soon D & M joined me and we toured the Puglia region together. Puglia? When one enjoys good food and the best restaurants back home all brag of Puglia origins, it truly piqued our interest. So, when the borders open, we quickly made plans to jump onto one of the VTLs (Vaccinated Travel Lanes) that the Singapore government had negotiated and we were lucky we did. Because within a week of D getting here, the Italian government, on account of rising Omicron cases, decided to bar entry from Singapore. We are already in the country and so can tour the rest of it. 

So, from Rome, we took a flight to Brindisi. And picked up a rental car at the airport there and drove directly to Lecce, the so-called Florence of the South. I am not sure where the similarities are as I didn’t see a hugely impressive domed cathedral nor bridges of tourist traps let alone a world class museum! 

However, some of the prettiest seaside towns, Gallipoli and Otranto in particular, are mere half hour drives away.

Travelling at this time has its advantages. First COVID controls have already thinned the crowds and add to that the winter months (with temperatures averaging 10 degrees) meant unspoilt unpeopled photographic opportunities were amazing. 

Some restaurants were closed for the season but we got into every place we wanted to and enjoyed some of the finest this country has had to offer. Everything from the bread (altamura, so i found out online) to the olive oil (we met Pietro Intini, who runs the family business of the same name) to the exquisitely fresh seafood (the baby squid at Opera Prima took the top spot) and new meats (in my case, horse and donkey) all washed up with lots of wine — nearly a bottle every day — meant we never went hungry. And I haven’t even gotten started on the pasta yet (freshly made and we even saw them being made by strong women in the sidewalks of Bari) meant we had a balanced diet at every meal. Yes, I am counting wine as fruit :-)

Then, there is the language. It has got such colour, even drama. Whether listening to the guide yak away with the driver on our way back from Amalfi coast, or the priest at Christmas Mass delivering his homily, our lack of understanding of the words did not prevent us from enjoying the emotions of it. Yes, we managed to attend mass on Christmas Day in the cathedral in Ostuni. I said before that though one may find catholic masses boring with its rites and rituals, there is at least a certain consistency and that meant that every Catholic can follow every mass (except the homily) perfectly well. In my case, I googled up Pope Francis’ powerful homily on littleness: https://www.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/homilies/2021/documents/20211224-omelia-natale.html

At this stage of my life especially, it makes so much sense. The pope himself role modelled his life for all the world to see thus too. That it also resonates with my recent discourses with J and M, which inspired me to do a fellowship on the post-growth world and in particular on state capitalism thereof. 

Indeed, the post-growth world is very much on show here in Italy, and more broadly across Europe. Many surveys have established that the youth no longer feel they can lead better lives (economically speaking) than their parents. There are simply less people being born and therefore less consumers and hence smaller markets for businesses. The properties including some that come with the ancient trullis that adorn the region so beautifully can be had for less than six figures. So there is no real asset appreciation either. But economic growth need not to be main yardstick for success. Again, this is a more European rather than Asian issue. But one that is sure to prevail in the world.

I am reminded of our trip to Matera and where it has been found that since the paleolinthic times, humans have lived here and made their limestone caves in this area their home for over 10,000 years. No doubt, Sassi di Matera must have been something in its heyday but but the middle of the 20th century, it was the shame of the country where the inhabitants lived in squalid conditions with their animals and without electricity nor running water (though they did have a UNESCO world heritage listed cistern system). 

So, how does one revitalise a city like this: it takes a good heart in the public sector (including a strong will of the leader) to re-house the residents and improve the infrastructure and then a good head in the private sector to reinject the city with economic activities… in this case, to turn it into a world class tourist  destinations where global celebrities like Gal Gatot, Steve Perry and Will Smith will come to. And we lucked out being able to stay in the very same cave in the same hotel that they stayed in.

Actually, we stayed in three types of dwellings on our journey: from a cavuo to a trullo to a palazzo. The trullo is a thing of beauty. If the ancient citizens of Sassi practised negative architecture, the farmers on the olive groves of Alberlobello built particularly small perfect homes. We stayed in one and M especially had a nook which she burrowed into like a rabbit in its warren.

Speaking of that long-eared animal, on a 3-week journey like ours, you can imagine some listening and lots of talking. I admit I am not the best listener and am prone to voice my opinions confidently and loudly. One such occasion was when frustrated with not being able to stop for longer in Locorotondo, called one of the most beautiful villages in Italy “Valle d’Italia”, and being hurried along to Ostuni, our next stop, I simply just said that Ostuni is an ugly place. We were all talking about a Singaporean politician, Raeesah Khan, who was caught lying in Parliament and she would say things that are simply untrue and blame it on dissociation, and I guess I had a Raeesah moment myself. Yes, I am not the easiest person to travel with and both the girls had to cope with me and M in particular impressed me when she told D to let me be for a moment as I need to deal with the stress. I guess I work all year round, actually in these COVID times for two whole years, and in this extended vacation, I really wanted things to go perfectly: whether it is to find a place to park or for the luggage to be more manageable.

Well, we were travelling with winter wear for nearly a month and you can imagine that each of us had three bags: large, medium and small. The large ones are about 20kgs each, and the medium and small ones 10 and 5 respectively. So, packing and transporting has to be done well. Thankfully, D is a master of both. And we managed to get them all into a small Toyota Yaris, with one back seat down and bags stacked upon one another. The bags also got onto planes and trains.

The stress of driving in strange lands and on the wrong side of the road is much mitigated nowadays by GPS and in our case, we had got both the old school TomTom device as well as Waze on the handphone. Both guided us well and the journeys were also made a lot better with M’s playlist, including of Italian and Christmas numbers. Speaking of the festive season, we’ve all heard of having a white Christmas. Well, it didn’t snow in these parts but Ostuni (contrary to my throwaway Raeesah remark) turned out to be a rather pretty town and so we enjoyed our White City Christmas moment. Besides entertaining our ears, M also snapped on her camera some of our best moments, whether at meal time or just as we are ambling around town. The credit for the best photo (though cropped by yours truly) however goes to D. This photo captured what holidays are meant to be: taking in the sights, enjoying the journey and making the best of any situation.

Growing

On M's part, she is indeed growing and learning. Her latest entry on her blog (aptly called GROWING) says it well.

Between the innocently ignorant ages of 14 and 16 I prided myself on my inability to cry, extrapolating from it some sense of strength. Nowadays even James Bond films make me tear up, and every time I do, I remember that version of myself, the one with the bluster and the bold illusion of certainty. I like to think that I hold a menagerie of these past selves within me, and I carry them with me wherever I go. From the 9-year-old desperate to get her hands on a computer so she could furiously type, to the 12-year-old willing herself to grow up, to the 19-year-old discovering that she was much less of a hero than she once imagined. Feelings are just feelings and sometimes the old ones still well up and catch me off guard. When I’m sitting cold and hunched over on the floor. The key difference though, now, is me. I laugh at my hot messes and I tell them as stories to friends at the pub. I stay at the party until it becomes fun; I give myself a chance. I eat when I’m hungry and sometimes when I’m full. I take myself out to movies and I take pride in my clothes. I stop running when I feel tired and I remember to breathe. And when I’m feeling low, as the moods come and go, I know it’s all part of the journey I’m on.

Every day I’m learning and burning, I’m unlearning and discerning.

I try to let the sights and sounds of it all pass me by, noticing without latching on. The full moon tonight is shrouded in a halo of light, outshone by the yellow glow of the streetlamp along Walton Street. One golden leaf dangles and drops from the tree, silent and solitary until it disappears among the carpet of autumn beneath my feet.

Agree to disagree

 D & M are like any mother-daughter pairs: they talk frequently and of course have their fair share of disagreeable moments. But unlike many mother-daughter pairs, they find a way to emerge healthily from these moments. And often because of big picture, big person perspectives like the one below.

Sorry I was in the midst of a work call when you called on Fri evening my time, and after that I didn’t return call coz I needed some time to process your new milestone as I wasn’t quite sure what to say, how to say, and I didn’t want to sound overly authoritarian, nor negative, but couldn’t quite bring myself to be supportive coz it is something so at odds with my preference.

Just as you are growing, I too am learning and growing, and in this case, I’m learning how to agree to disagree.

On the one hand, I’m quite glad that you took the bold step to go ahead, and to take responsibility and accountability for something we disagree on based on your own rationale and passion. Glad that you’re doing something independent, and ready to bear the brunt of any comments or perceptions opposed to your own. It is a sign of progress and growth, and confidence.

On the other, I can’t help being concerned about any repercussions, founded or imagined. I worry that this may lead to other forms or locations of other embellishments, which I truly feel you don’t need to have, as you are already a strong, good and beautiful, and an inspiration already to many. 

You see, I’ve been so intimately a part of your growth journey in so many ways, grateful that you’ve allowed me to partake in it through generous sharing of your thoughts, intentions, experiences and escapades, joys and sorrows, that I live through each as if they were my own, feeling each high and each bump with you, so much so that I’m conditioned to worrying about any pain or bump for fear of you being hurt.

But let go I must, for this is just another sign of you conquering the seas on your own. And I do have faith and therefore must have trust that you’re well able to navigate waves to find joy from each crest, and ride out each trough to emerge stronger. Indeed, as Meryl Streep said, what makes you different or weird—that’s your strength. So yes, pick a pretty one, dress up the new mole and turn it into another star. 

photo credit: Amazon

Today’s the first Sunday of Advent, another new year, most fitting for me to take stock, try again and continue to grow in my parenting adventure, to improve my way of agreeing to disagree. It’s the season of hope, love, joy and peace, and I am filled with hope for what’s ahead for all of us, love for and from all of you, joy in all our growth, and gratitude for the peace from knowing we are good with each other and knowing God is with us always.

I am sharing this letter to you with J & V, to thank them for helping me with my processing and learning in their own inimitable way .   

 

Happy Sunday :)

Love

Mom