Charting the future

Peter Drucker once said that the best way to predict the future is to just get out there to create it. Yesterday, we had a chance to lunch with J to talk about his future. Moments like what we had today at lunch are getting fewer and far between. And that is only right because he has greater responsibilities now. It makes the time we had today all the more precious.

As his parents, we have lived through enough and while we had nearly two decades to share our experiences with him, some learnings are best imparted at the right juncture. If we had shared our marriage philosophies with a teenage boy then, I doubt he would have understood it then, even as smart as he is.

He listened well and so did we. I am particularly pleased to hear that his "combined" household income is  4 times what D and I had when we were contemplating marriage and with another difference: then the ratio of contribution was reversed. D was the main breadwinner then. :-). So in the 80:20 game, they are already the 80%! So, are starting from a good place. 

He has always heard me say that life is a marathon. There are many stages: school, career, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement and then the final rest stop. No one wins all the stages. Sticking to the analogy, even a champion marathoner doesn’t lead the race all the way to the finish. Some stages matter more than others. Doing well in school is important because it lays the strong foundation and opens many doors. A right partner to spend a lifetime of with is the key to happiness. Raising children to be happy and comfortable in their own skin is joy untold. In the end, we all go back to our maker and hope to have left the world a little better than we have found it. So there really is no point comparing where one is in the race of life at this early stage. By many accounts, he has already won stage 1 and should be confident that the foundation is strong, the doors are open and he can take his time to choose the right path.

What is the right path then? Few would argue that it would be the one that leads to wisdom, leads to blessings, leads to wealth and leads to peace. Again, using the 80:20 rule: wisdom comes from on 20% theoretical intelligence and 80% learned application. Blessings come from less from wishing and more from being grateful. Wealth is more rewarding when it is earned rather than granted. Peace comes from listening vs talking. 

As he reaches the third and fourth stages of life’s marathon, the above principles will serve him well. Like the parable of teaching a man to fish instead of giving him one, as parents, we have endowed our children with sufficient fishing knowledge and skills that they can hopefully now do so for life. Once in a while though, because we love them, we have given you a fish or two. The two fishes we give now are of two kinds: the spiritual and the material.

We do so in the hope that they will both be united in love and faith for life is full of joys pains and mystery and what better way for their journey together to be in the company of God as they experience these together. This spiritual gift we will pray that you be grateful and hence receive the divine blessings.

For the material gift, we want to do this right, ie we don’t wish for this to be misunderstood esp. as other financial arrangements are also being put in place with other family members. So, we would like for this not to be a financial arrangement but rather a matrimonial gift on the day when they solemnise theirr marriage and can then use this to procure their matrimonial asset together. It’s a gift of our love from the both of us to the the both of them.

PS: the seek and strive trait is strong and so is the planning one. I mentioned before that I do the vision thing. Imagine a future 5-10 years out and work backwards to what I need to do now to get there. J himself pointed out that he appreciated such long term perspectives. I did that while posted alone in Bangkok and Ho Chi Minh City, and picturing a future with D with kids in a house. I did that also in my career that actually eased my decision to take one step back knowing it will propel me two steps forward. And so it thrilled me (and I mentioned it to D last night) that J too is looking 3-5 years out and working backwards to what he should do now. He may be in the military now and I had thought the apple fell far from the tree but events the last few weeks suggest he is much closer to me than I had thought :-)

That SSDD gene

In the long planned but as yet unwritten book/screenplay, I intended to start with these lines: "all of us in this family have it - that streak of divine discontent. Always searching and striving for greater heights".

Our grandparents did that... Sailing the southern sea to a better life in the "glorious south" away from a China that was imploding into a civil war. Our parents did it, lifting themselves from poverty to a better station in life. And we did it too: working all over the world and in my case, actually being sponsible to grow a business with a global footprint.

In the draft of my book, I pointed out that I am responsible for passing on that gene to my children. And I don't mean a literal DNA mutation but rather a metaphorical one. J and M spent their years being nurtured to see the world as their oyster. They had their under- and post-graduate studies at hallowed institutions on both sides of the Atlantic in the UK and US. 

Yesterday, J returned from an "adult" vacation (and he means just sitting, chatting, meeting people, learning about the places he visited rather than just seeing the sights), he penned his reflections in a letter to me titled "Stockholm thoughts".

"This is it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the direction that I didn't know was missing from my life but answered questions I didn't even know my soul was asking, like some strange teleological tractor beam".

Well, he may not realise it but its that seek & strive divine discontent gene at work. He is my SSPP and M my DDPP. What I also didn't realise is they are both commonly endowed with SSDD.

Grandparents escaped war. Parents escaped poverty. I scaled the societal pyramid - to as close to the top I possibly can.  Each generation were discontent with something in the present and sought out a new realm. 

Our children too will have their destinations. Singapore's newly minted Prime Minister Lawrence Wong said this at his swearing-in: "young Singaporeans want to have a good life that is measured not only by the narrow metrics of material success but also by meaning and purpose". 

So, as J contemplates his Stockholm thoughts more deeply and M hers too, my one wish is that they are able to do so from a position of strength and stability unlike the grandparents. They need not escape a bad situation. They are however looking for a better situation... beyond materiality to a higher purpose. 

In OOHH, we had installed fountains for our pool. It's nice to listen to sound of water as nature intended. There are eight spouts in all and I thought they stood for the eight attributes the apostle Peter set forth to the world. Seven successive graces to humanity. He said "giving all DILIGENCE, add to your FAITH, VIRTUE; to virtue, KNOWLEDGE; to knowledge, TEMPERANCE; to temperance, PATIENCE; to patience, GODLINESS; to godliness, KINDNESS; to kindness, LOVE."

M & J, taking after their mom are preternaturally diligent beings. The rest they have shown increasingly as they grew up. And as they seek forward, may they always have these eight attributes on hand to draw on and employ. It will make the path forward easier. 

Puppy Days

We just added a sweet little thing called Miso, a Cavapoo from two purebred parents, to the family. We were all excited to have her with us. Caramel was too, initially, until she realised she had to share her bed, food and toys. However, we know that deep inside, she is a kindly sweet natured dog and in no time at all, she got used to Miso and they are sleeping, eating and playing together. 

Just like how Caramel was to Summer, Miso follows big sister everywhere and attempts to kiss and hug her. There is, however, one area that Miso has not yet picked up from Caramel... which is proper toilet habits. A week and a bit since bringing her home, we still find puddles of pee and pieces of poo around the house.

Yesterday morning was no different. M would look after them before heading out to work and found some of Miso's. That piece of poop was easy to dispose of and thereafter the floor is as clean as before; if not cleaner because some arduous soaping and scrubbing had been performed on the spot. Miso, though, remains as yet not fully trained and it will take a few more days (weeks maybe) before she knows that the toilet is outside on the lawn and not inside the house.

I guess that sets us humans apart from the other living creatures no matter how adorable and smart they are. We learn easily and especially when we have a growth mindset. 

M's 'shitty' start to the day continued at work. She had been working hard at preparing the itinerary for a business trip to Indonesia for her bosses and was updating what she had planned for them. Its the very first time she is doing so and she relied on previous materials to prepare hers. 

She did some things well but the format and some analytical basis could have been better. Her supervisor was direct and expressed her views in a manner akin to scolding. Its a little like how I would rebuke Miso when I see her about to have an 'accident'. 

As it turned out, the supervisor appreciated M's spirit, especially her picking up the task willingly and worked hard on it. More importantly, M (fully endowed with the growth mindset) had calmly reflected on things she could indeed do better. Am so pleased that she is so open to learning. Woe be us all if young people came into the workforce as know-it-alls impervious to picking up new things.

I hark back to my days when I first started work and the mistakes I made and how I had no one to talk to except JT (whom I was staying with). We two novices would hem and haw into the night about the small mindedness of corporate leaders without realising that we were the ones being small- and worse, close-minded.

My heart is happy knowing M is not as dumb as her old bean's. No doubt, there will be other moments of learning she will encounter, probably even right now on her business trip. And then there will come a time when she would have mastered her trade and she in turn would supervise a fellow young colleague. Then, there will also come a time when things at work would become boring and unchallenging. I trust her employer would then move her onwards and upwards to greater heights with more responsibilities and challenges 

All that is in the future. For now, she is learning.... just as Miso would too. And as for Caramel, she is just a good big sister allowing the little one to kiss and hug her.

PS: this entry marks a decade of blogging... my first one on this account being on the 21st of January 2014

the incompleteness of Kipling's IF

My dearest J,

While there is much joy in kuku's dining room (led none other by nei nei, and happily accompanied by tata, ah kong, ah ma, the H's and of course mom and dad), I needed to steal away for a moment because I wanted some time alone (with you on my mind).

Years ago, when I dedicated Rudyard Kipling's If to you as you approached adulthood, I thought it contained all the advice about becoming a man. Today, it dawned on me that his poem is incomplete. He had overlooked one important dimension. 

The meaning of man, as God has put it, is to find his better half. God Himself will put the two together which no one else shall put asunder. 

And on this day, 27-12-23, you have indeed taken that all important step to be a full man.

I am so happy for you and for N. My most fervent wish (and mom's too) is that your two halves balance and complete each other so that you will want for nothing more as together you are in equilibrium: purposeful and content.

Love you lots, dad

PS: you may of course share this note with N. I am so happy for the both of you.

Note to younger self

It’s not uncommon practice to do this especially at momentous junctures in one’s life. In my case, I will soon have completed my 55th year on earth. 55 in Malaysia and Singapore is a significant age because it’s an official retirement age (although it’s now been extended). It’s also the age when one can withdraw provident funds (yay!). Lots of government policies are also tied to attaining this age including being recognised eligible for priority as a senior citizen.

In Malaysia, we are called “Warga Emas” in Malay. I like the phrase because it translates to Golden Citizen. Yes, one may be old but with that come experiences as valuable as gold. 

It’s a little in this spirit that I started to get more serious with my book “Our Story” and have now put down a 10 page overview. I must give credit to M who having heard me talk about this for years, took a real interest and even offered to help me with research. 

In “Our Story”, I reflect on not just my youth but also that of parents and grandparents. My 10th page now is about the time I started working back in the 90s, which is exactly the age that my two kids are now at. 

This letter is a tangential detour from drafting the outline of my book. It’s a thoughtful pause to consider two questions:

If I knew then, what I know now, what would I have done differently? 

What would I have done more of?

The second question is easy. Marry the right person. In my case, I truly lucked out. D is right for me not because we see eye to eye in everything (we actually don’t, as you both know) but rather because she balances me. 

In temperament, she is cool headed to my quick temper. She is good in executing and I am good in envisioning. She is great at managing the home while I am not. She provides unquestioning support for me to go all out in my pursuits and even encouraged me to connect with my family and friends more (which I haven’t). 

She did all these without ever complaining. She could have easily said I want to also be a high flying career woman or even I would like you to be home a bit more (because I miss you or because I want you to share the housework burden). She didn’t even say any of that. She was steadfast being my perfect support. Paraphrasing a well known saying goes: behind every great person, there is a greater life partner. In my case, your mom is certainly the greater one! 

So, because of that, between the both of us, we become balanced even if individually we are each too much of one thing sometimes. But because together we are balanced, there is equilibrium and there is peace and the family therefore got both: material as well as emotional comforts. And together we could also be helpful to the broader family, friends and even society. Get this fundamental equation right and many good things follow. 

So that will absolutely be the first note to my younger self. After you find the right one that balances you, you can go about doing what you want. 

What do I want? In my case, and I called it out in “Our Story”, it’s to live up to the “Seek and Strive” feature in our DNA. Besides providing for and building a happy family, I wanted to have a successful meaningful career and be a leader who made a difference to the world and left the organisation better than when I found it. I should add that these three objectives came sequentially. My first pursuit in my 20s was simply to get a good job that paid well. 

And that’s where my second lesson is: it’s not all about money. At least not quick money. 

Well, we all know that there is a lot of illegal money to be made quickly. Clearly one wouldn’t touch that. But some high paying jobs that seem attractive now are not worth it once one takes in the larger perspective of how purposeful the company is, does its brand endow a good halo effect on your CV and most importantly what is the culture of the firm: toxic or collegial? 

We need to find a workplace that fits our temperament. Some of us can handle failures well and so can thrive in high risk jobs like trading. Others can handle rejections well and so will do well in bad news businesses like acting or sales. Others can handle anger and are best in customer service jobs.

It’s only after a holistic consideration of these factors can we then seek, strive and switch jobs. The more one is in synch with these factors, the more one will thrive. Absent this, burnout is inevitable (no matter how well paying the job).

Being thoughtful and getting into the right company will bring you not just wealth but fulfilment in leading good people and ultimately doing something purposeful that made a difference to the world.

I was fortunate that I had a strategic mind and a patient soul (honed by my dear wife) and was able to find the right places to work in and even took one step back when I switched jobs in order to leap two steps forward ultimately. 

I took a significant paycut moving from SQ to AC but I learned the ropes of consulting well there and had found a great mentor. I also took a demotion from AC to BC but got a job that really allowed me to grow thereafter. So, I wish you both the same foresight in being able to take the longer view and this enabling you to take the right short term step. 

My third note is this: know that life is a marathon (a good one, by the way) and a not a sprint. 

Despite all these careful steps, life can still throw your curved balls. In the moment, some experiences will seem like you got a bad deal (e.g. my not getting into Oxbridge to do law or my early postings in SEA when my friends went to North Asia or Europe) but truly the dots only connect when looking back. 

In sprints, if you fall, you lose. In a marathon, there is a long road still to cover and the falls may actually put you in a better shape to win. For me, being in NUS got me the no.1 reason why I am here now (indeed, why we all are here) and my postings made me a real hand in the region and it is this region that matters.

Last but not least, I started this letter talking about balance; how my dear wife and love of my life balances me and as a couple you can see how the family has grown well. So when people talk about their work life balance, I try to get them to see it not as a singular moment of equilibrium but a balancing act, played out between two or more people and play out over time. One of my favourite verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. There is a time for everything. Don’t rush to have everything done and balanced at once. That is in fact the worst recipe for balance. 

Get a right partner that complements you. Plan holistically and act strategically. Take your time. And eventually the dots will connect in the most magical way.

I trust these four tips to my young ones will help guide you to a future even better than mine. 

Photo taken in Borobudur, famed for its ancient Buddhist temple, where the pursuit of happiness takes on another level altogether.

A valedictorian speech from the Ranger

Distinguished Guests, Cadres, loved ones and fellow Rangers, good evening. I am RGR J, and on behalf of the SOth Ranger Course would like to share some thoughts on the past GS days. Thank you for taking the time today to commemorate the Ranger Golden Jubilee and to celebrate with us, the graduates of the SOth Ranger Course. 

We would not be here today if not for the unwavering support of our loved ones. As the saying goes, “it is always easier to be the one who leaves”. We have practically disappeared for the past two months save a few precious hours spent at home, gobbling up whatever food we could lay our hands on. On behalf of the course, I extend my deepest apologies for the additional burdens that you have had to carry. Your thoughts, prayers and letters have provided us with immeasurable motivation, to get through everything that stood between us and being reunited with all of you. Please join me in offering a round of applause 1 for all our loved ones present today, and for those who are unable to be with us but have been rooting for us all this while.

No matter who you are or where you are from, Ranger Course is designed to beat you down to your knees. It is a course where all comforts and privileges of rank, age, or unit are stripped away, revealing the most raw version of ourselves. It is a gritty and gutsy marathon that aims to unearth the true character of a soldier through imposing intense physical and mental stressors replicating those of actual combat. Perhaps the best way to illustrate the result of all this is to paint a picture of who a Ranger is and should be. A Ranger and their word is not to be taken lightly, for they are a force to be reckoned with. How a Ranger does something is how they do everything, and they will obsess over the smallest detail to ensure mission success. You do not need to ask a Ranger to do anything, for they are already prepared to do it, you simply command them and they will execute. A Ranger stands ready and volunteers for more than their share of the hardest tasks, delivers them, and then some. It is my distinct and proudest honour to share that such a Ranger is indeed present in this auditorium here tonight. He has been the beating heart and long-suffering soul of the course, who has lent every last decibel of his voice and every waking moment to supporting those on his left and right. Without hesitation, he has been the beast of burden and the spearhead of every team he finds himself in, never questioning and never failing to be the first to work and last to rest. He is a Ranger who has given his all, and one who may squarely claim that he would lay down his life for his friends, a true brother’s keeper. In my humble opinion, he represents the true spirit and does justice to the legacy of who a Ranger has been, is, and shall be, for a long time to come. He is 2 the Ranger among Rangers, the people’s champion, RGR THJ.

If I could, I would share a testimony for every Ranger seated here tonight. I am honoured to accept this award today, but I’d like to believe that I’m accepting it on behalf of all the Rangers of the SOth Ranger Course, for every Ranger has done more than his or her fair share to deserve commendation. I would not be standing here in one piece today without the relentless support of my Ranger buddies, and I will forever be thankful for the brotherhood we have forged together. Personal Takeaways In closing, my personal takeaways from the course may be summarised in 3 points, which is probably 2 more than what Rangers can remember most of the time. 

First, persistence is nothing more than insistence, to believe that little bit more in yourself, to demand one more step and another after that, till the job is done. Give yourself the chance to surprise yourself, for the limits we place on ourselves are but a fraction of our true potential. 

Second, the strongest teams are not decided by the size of their muscles, but by the depth of their patience. Patience, not strength nor aggression, is what allows teams to support each other through the toughest times. Patience creates the half-second pause needed for an argument to become a conversation and for the conversation to spur improvement and for that improvement to lead to success. 

Finally, loud leadership may move a team, but quiet leadership moves hearts. One might imagine an inspirational commander charging ahead on a battlefield towards the enemy, and indeed that is an undeniable moment of leadership. Yet, 99% of our time as Rangers is spent first 3 preparing for battle, getting onto the objective and then getting every last Ranger out. That is when Rangers earn their stripes. That is when the smallest acts of kindness: sharing your last packet of biscuits in spite of your growling stomach or taking over the shift of another sleepy Ranger in spite of your own eyelids closing fast. By simply being there to listen, empathise and help, you are taking away some of their pain, a superpower in and of itself.

I would like to extend my appreciation to CTI, SFLS, the Ranger Cadres, CSS, and all who have supported Ranger Course in one way or another. We will work to repay our debt of gratitude, and pay it forward for future batches of Rangers to come. 

Thank you all, again, for joining us tonight to celebrate the Ranger Jubilee and welcoming new Rangers into the fold. Rangers, it has been an honour to suffer, smile, and fight alongside each and every one of you. I can truly testify how daring initiative, though occasionally risky, was combined with absolutely sheer will to get the job done. With this combination, nothing will ever stand in our way. Rangers can and will complete the mission, when no one else can, on our honour as soldiers and for the glory of our nation. Rangers, wherever it is that you may go, carry with you the indomitable and relentless Ranger spirit, and know that somewhere out there, you have a batch of Rangers who stand ready to fight alongside you whenever called upon. Be bold, be brave, be gallant, and as always, RANGER LEADS THE WAY! (ALL THE WAY)

Letter to a Ranger 2

Writing this on board SQ108. Yet another flight - this time a day trip to KL. I had two meetings to attend there. Then, I had to make it to the airport during the rush hour jam to catch a flight back to Singapore for two board meetings the next day. I went back to KL again on Friday for another meeting and from KL, I flew to Jakarta to connect to Semarang for the ASEAN Economic Minister meeting taking place over the weekend there. The UK Minister for Trade will also be there and wants to meet on Sunday so I will get back home on late on Sunday.

Though I had to take 7 flights in those 5 days, I must say that what I had to go through is nothing compared to what you are doing now. I started my last letter stating that you inspire me and indeed this is one example.

By the time you receive this letter, you would have completed more than 20% of your course. You would know the Pareto Principle. The right 20% can deliver the bulk of the results. No doubt you have already learned much from all that has happened in the past two weeks. I looked up what the Ranger Course entails and saw a handful of videos showing the various exercises you have to do: in the water, on land and in the air. I don’t know exactly when these activities are held but I keep you tangibly with me constantly by wearing your watches on my wrist throughout the days and nights. See the Laco Pilot watch on the way to KL and the Tudor Diver in Semarang.

Indeed, we are all counting the days here, being with you in spirit all the way. Mom prays every day for your safety and well-being. Unlike the watches above, I have no pictures of a moment so you would have to imagine it, Josh, and may that scene be stored in your memory sweetly: on Thursday night, mom and me were sitting in front of the TV and though some program was playing, we were not watching it. Instead we were both thinking about you, silently holding hands together, wishing you well and then we both remarked simultaneously of how grateful we are to have such a wonderful son in you.

Speaking of memories, I recall a moment we had at a father-son dinner when you were about 10 years old. I think you may remember that too. I was travelling a lot (then as I still do) and so to be able to just sit and talk with you over dinner was indeed a really precious moment. And you made it all the more special when you made a comment well beyond your years. You told me that you liked the way I parent. How I think many years ahead, paint a vision of what could be and inspire you to go there. I assure you no 10 year olds can think like my son. And you also know that very few 20-something have gone through as much as you to lay the foundation for a fantastic future.

Between KL and Jakarta, I spent the night in Malacca. Its only for a mere nine hours but again inspired by our father-son moment, I wanted to spend the night with my father and mother. Naturally, you were the main topic of conversation and I showed them the youtube videos of the Ranger Course. They are obviously in awe of what you are doing now. And back in our bedroom in Cheng, there is a sketch of you on the wall. Its off a photo of you playing in the sand on a beach in Sri Lanka. I had asked the artist to title the sketch “SSPP”.

I meant then for the acronym to mean Super Son, Perfect Prince. Coz even then, as an eight year old, you were super and perfect to me. I don’t know why I didn’t get the artist to write the title in full then. Now, I know why: unbeknownst to me, I must have been directed by forces higher to me to label it in shorthand because as it is clear now, you were meant to go on and to do more than just being super and perfect.

In the 18 years since that photo was taken, your life story has you so far growing in Singapore, USA and UK. You are the top Scout, Scholar, Soldier, Soulmate to your Partner, Parents, Platoon and Planet.

Maybe when you can connect again with your devices, you can now update your social media accounts to read “SSPP”. We all know that social media can be a soul sucking void of meaningless affirmation especially when the envy becomes the primary perspective with which one views the messages there. But used right it can also be a channel to let our loved ones know what are the moments worth capturing and retained in the account for posterity and for all to see. In your case, there is so much more superlatives and perfection to come and the challenges you go through now will only make those times all the sweeter.

At the ASEAN Economic Ministers Meeting, there was much talk about how we are the few remaining growth hot spot in the world. With a population of over 600 million people across 10 countries, we are larger than Europe and our economy may soon be larger than the EU’s. ASEAN could be the 4^th largest economy in the world, after China, US and India by the middle of the 21^st century. Little wonder then that the citizens of this region are also amongst the most optimistic in the world. They all can see a better future ahead. Singapore is going to be in the middle of all these development, not just geographically but also economically. The country and the region will need its men and women to seize the moment. Maybe some of the future S’s and P’s that you will go on to experience will be to help lead the way just as our past leaders did when winning our independence and growing the nation for its new citizens.

We can only imagine the future end-state but the path is not visible. We only know it will not be linear but through twists and turns, it will lead to the destination. The Ranger Course, in my mind, is a microcosm of that. You know what the activities are. You know when the end date is. You cannot however fathom exactly how you and your mates will do on each program. One thing is clear though, that if you hold on together, you will make it to the end. Beyond the badge, the knowledge that you have been on this journey is enough to assure your future self that you have it in you to take on bigger challenges, whether at the Social or Societal stage, whether in the Private or Public sector.

Right now, the challenge is to be a Ranger. I am here rooting for you all the way!